Friday, November 6, 2009

Victoria Wood - Things Would Never Have Worked (Including Lyrics)

A wonderful song from the comic genious of Victoria Wood. I've heard rumours that she's going to be doing an updated version of this song on her Christmas special this year. This version is from 'An Audience With Victoria Wood' from 1988. Below are the lyrics for you to sing along.

Things Would Never Have Worked

It's over, we've missed the bus
Nice idea, but not for us,
We didn't click,
Let's make it quick and say goodbye,
Don't hold my hand, and don't demand a reason why
No loving looks, no fond regards,
Tonight was always on the cards.

I like big muscles, you were thin and lanky,
I like nice manners, you were far too cranky,
You blew your nose and then looked in your hanky,
Things would never have worked.

The day I met you was a real heart-wrencher,
I thought that love would be a big adventure,
Then saw the spinach on your bottom dencher,
Things would never have worked.

I wanted champagne and oysters,
'Cause that's the way I am,
You gave me Vimto, tinned carrots and Spam.

Rappot's a thing you just can't manufacture,
You had your pin-up girl, I couldn't match her,
I didn't want to, it was Mrs. Thatcher,
Things would never have worked.

I wanted love to come and knock our blocks off,
But even Venus takes her card and clocks off,
Your idea of foreplay was to take your socks off,
Things would never have worked.

I wanted moonlight and roses and all that silly tosh,
You wanted gerbils, a whippet, a wash.

I wanted love poems but you couldn't write them,
My earlobes nibbled but you wouldn't bite them,
You'd only fart and then, attempt to light them,
Things would never have worked.

We're not compatible, let's not get blue dear,
At least we see each other's point of view dear,
I like big hunky men and so do you dear,
Things would never have worked.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

makes me laugh so much it's just amusing n it dunt get boring

September 7, 2010 at 10:10 PM  
Anonymous Abbie said...

Love Victoria Wood and everything she does! This song is so funny!

December 29, 2011 at 10:51 PM  

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